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What is required to face trauma is the ability to mourn, fully and deeply, all that has been taken from us. Only through mourning everything we have lost can we discover that we have in fact survived; that our spirits are indestructible.

– Aurora Levins Morales

Trauma has become a very large word—so large, it risks losing its precision.

Once used mainly to describe catastrophic external events — shock trauma— we now apply it across a vast spectrum of human suffering: from war and natural disasters, to emotional neglect, microaggressions, and the subtle betrayals of everyday relationships.

On one hand, this expansion reflects a cultural breakthrough—we are finally recognizing that the nervous system doesn’t distinguish neatly between “big” and “small” wounds, but encodes all violations of safety, attunement, and love as real.

On the other hand, the word is now stretched so thin that it sometimes functions as a catch-all for pain, stress, or adversity, blurring the neurobiological difference between acute shock, developmental rupture, and ordinary hardship.

From a neuroscientific perspective, this matters.

Not every difficulty reorganizes the amygdala (the brain’s fear center), alters vagal tone (the body’s safety nervous system), or fragments a person’s emotional development—the thresholds of neurobiological trauma.

From a therapeutic perspective, it matters even more: if “trauma” comes to mean everything, it risks meaning nothing—and those carrying the heaviest burdens may again become invisible in the noise.

The challenge is to hold trauma in its full complexity—seeing it as both an expansive matrix of healing that interconnects the nervous system, relational networks, and emotional development, and a dynamic process grounded in neurobiology and the sequential unfolding of altered experience.

Done well, this elevates “trauma” to what it truly is: not just a word, but a map of how the nervous system, the self, and relationships fracture within intergenerational trauma — and how they can be restored.

In this book, I will show you a map of Relational Trauma that reveals the pathways connecting the emotions, the mind, and the body: how they respond to the loss of safety and empathy, and how we can rebuild their natural expression of being alive.

The Trauma-Bound Family

Relational trauma is what forms inside when the people who were meant to protect you and keep you safe… didn’t. Or couldn’t.

Back in the 1980s, John Bradshaw coined the term The Dysfunctional Family. He was a pioneer in bringing family systems, shame, and inner-child work to the mainstream through his books ‘Healing The Shame That Binds You and “On The Family’.

It is safe to say that John Bradshaw opened the door to understanding how hidden shame and unresolved wounds shape the family system, setting the stage for the deeper, trauma-informed work we are able to do today.

The Dysfunctional Family beautifully served its purpose as a groundbreaking new language to awaken the world to family dynamics and trauma on a large scale.

Since then, despite the rapid growth of somatic and neurobiological knowledge, we’ve lacked a term that captures how trauma reorganizes the relational field itself.

So, in my work, I have created a new term: The Trauma-Bound Family. This term accurately and meaningfully encompasses everything I have developed and am sharing with you.

In The Trauma-Bound Family, the transmission of unresolved relational trauma continues from one generation to the next, unchecked, unseen, and uncontained.

What actually holds these families together is not true love or safety, but a shared nervous system contract to protect the parents’ unresolved trauma.

When love = sacrifice, when chaos replaces empathy, and the parents are the children seeking safety, and the children are the caretakers — that is a Trauma-Bound Family.

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We need stories to awaken the language of relational trauma in the Trauma-Bound Family. The left brain can take in the words, but the right brain wants images, animation, and a way to visualize trauma dynamics in a way that the body feels.

I will share many stories throughout this book and use them to anchor the fundamentals of trauma recovery, and then walk through what the stories reveal.

Twenty Seconds of Joy

I was sitting with a successful young couple and their six-month-old son. We were working on the impasse in their communication before and after his birth: neither one felt supported, and they were angry and scared.

The baby was sitting on Mom’s lap, and as we were all talking, he and I made eye contact, and he started bouncing and cooing, waving his hands at me.

I leaned in and smiled a big smile, and he returned it. We made this really bright, joyful connection for about twenty seconds. His parents were surprised, and his dad turned to me, confused.

“Wow, he never does that with us!”

“Do you ever do this with him?”

“No, we’re too busy raising him.”

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For such a simple story, there is a deep wealth of insight we can glean from it, and that is why I have shared it with you.

It perfectly captures the beginning of a trauma-bound family. If the parents don’t repair how they are re-enacting their abandonment trauma with each other—which leaves their child a passive spectator—he will inherit the same trauma. Unseen and unchosen, he will absorb their incomplete grief and form his own trauma responses.

I am passionate about neurobiology and somatic healing. These two fields of wisdom allow us to approach relational trauma with a stunning depth of insight and clarity.

I want to introduce some of the most important ideas that shape abandonment trauma. This will be a new language for many of you—take your time going through the rest of this chapter.

Pause, stretch, and breathe at times.

So let’s explore what this story reveals:

1. The Baby’s Nervous System: Neuroception of Safety

When the six-month-old locked eyes with me, his nervous system registered safety and curiosity.

This is neuroception in action (Porges): his right brain read my face, tone, and energy and said, “I am safe here.”

What followed—bouncing, cooing, waving—was his ventral vagal system expressing itself through social engagement. His biological will was saying: I want connection, I am wired for joy. Let’s play!”

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2. The Dyadic Dance: Co-Regulation vs. Functional Parenting

My smile and attunement provided co-regulation—a rhythmic back-and-forth flow that regulates the infant’s desire for connection and deepens his neural wiring for trust and intimacy.

Twenty seconds of mutual joy is not trivial: it is a miniature right-hemisphere-to-right-hemisphere dialogue in which emotion and identity circuits are being sculpted in real time: I’m OK, you’re OK.

In contrast, when the parents said, “We’re too busy raising him,” it revealed a common gap: focusing on the logistics of care (feeding, clothing, schedules) while neglecting the emotional field of attunement.

The baby’s brain needs both food and felt connection. Without it, the nervous system encodes abandonment at the level of expectation—”if you love me, you will connect with me”

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3. Attachment Imprint: The Missing Loop

The father’s surprise—“He never does that with us!”—signals a blocked attachment “loop” between him and his child.

It’s not that the baby lacks capacity for joy; it’s that the mirror neurons and limbic resonance —how the brain allows us to feel and reflect each other’s emotions, and to emotionally “tune in” to one another —have not been consistently activated in both the parent and the child.

What the child offered to me—connection, vitality—he may have already learned not to offer to them. This is early relational shaping of self: “Parts of me aren’t welcome here.”

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4. Relational Trauma: The Couple’s Impasse

The couple’s pre-existing impasse—neither feeling supported and often triggered —was being reenacted somatically through their child.

Both parents were living in survival, where stress eclipsed play. Their nervous systems were too busy guarding against each other’s disappointment to access the part of themselves that could delight in their son. The absence of mutual joy in the couple became the absence of joy in the family system.

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5. Developmental Summary: What the Nervous System Remembers

• Neurobiological: The baby’s ventral vagal circuitry lit up when attunement—empathy and play—arrived. Without regular reinforcement, that circuitry will prune back, replaced by trauma responses: sympathetic arousal (fight/flight) or dorsal withdrawal (freeze/fail).
• Relational: The parents were unconsciously repeating the cycle of their own emotional abandonment: providing care for a child without connection. Their child had already “read the room” and adapted by withdrawing his joy from them.

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6. The Larger Truth

This story shows how relational trauma begins quietly. It is not abuse, but misattunement. It is not neglect of food or shelter, but neglect of the child’s emotional aliveness. Trauma here is not an event—it is the absence of being seen, chosen, and prioritized.

That short moment of joy with the baby shows how connection shapes us. His nervous system lit up because someone met him with safety and delight. When those moments are missing, children don’t stop needing them—they learn to stop showing them and asking for them.

That’s how a lot relational trauma begins, not only through big hurts, but through the quiet absence of being seen and chosen. Healing starts when those small moments of eye contact, play, and shared joy return—reminding us we are safe, we belong, and we matter.

I can remember when I quit smoking as if it was yesterday. I had moved away from my very dysfunctional family in Ohio at 20 to come to Palo Alto, California and pursue my vision of an emotional and spiritual freedom I had never known growing up.

After finding everything and more that I could have hoped for in the dynamic and diverse culture of Palo Alto and the Stanford community in 1974, I settled into creating my new life and saw immediately that smoking – which I had inherited from my parents and older siblings – was a huge block in loving myself and being successful. After a while I quit cold turkey, and very quickly began to feel things inside of me that had been sitting underneath my conscious awareness since I was a very young boy. Primal emotions and the complex wounded relationship dynamics within my family that I had only felt and seen as if through thick opaque glass started to come alive in my body into a focused and vivid clarity, animating into a kind of convulsive purging of the suppressed negative impact that my family had had on me. (more…)

There is no deeper place in our drive to self-actualize than the need to find the love within us and share it with each other. Along with all the other ways in which we can grow into successful individuals – such as education, career, adventure or creativity – the ability to love ourselves and each other successfully brings the deepest fulfillment and liberates us in our souls.

The ability to actualize ourselves through knowing how to love well is something we have to cultivate and grow. Whether building a relationship or raising a family, there are emotional and cognitive skills that we have to know before we can fully open our hearts and find deep intimacy and successful communication.

(more…)

My approach to the healing journey begins with perhaps the single most important part of being a well-actualized individual, because it is the root of all of our personal power: our emotional voice, and the choice to use it.

The first thing to understand is that choosing to use your emotional voice means that you are choosing to tell the truth. As you learn to identify, own and then speak the truth about the many aspects of your emotional experiences in your life, your emotional voice forms, awakens and comes to life.

(more…)

In my upcoming book “Healing Your Heart – A Journey Into Wholeness”, I am offering a new psychology of love. To create a psychology of love that lays a solid foundation for understanding how we work emotionally and cognitively, as well as providing a clear pathway to healing our hearts and becoming whole people, we must start with the most important question: what is love?

Let’s start with the dictionary. According to Webster’s, love is:
1. strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties
2. attraction based on sexual desire
3. affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests; an assurance of affection; warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion
4. unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another

(more…)